This is it. All seventeen hours of Ya Shoulda Seen This by Now have been building to this crucial point: Fifty Shades of Grey. I have never seen anything like it and I’m not kidding when I tell you that half way through the film my brain flipped some sort of switch and I started enjoying the flick. I’m serious.
My brain just said “I guess this is what movies are, now. This is what we like.” I can’t explain it any better than it has to be the same feeling that Morgan Spurlock got when filming Super Size Me. After super sized McDonald meal number fourteen his body just said “I guess this is what food is now.”
I don’t have to tell you this movie is bad. You already know that it is bad. All of modern history has told you that it is bad and, in this episode, Frank and I are going to tell you how it is bad. So, I’m going to use this post to tell you why it’s good. Read more after the bump…
1.) Adam Sandler wasn’t in it.
One of the reasons this film is great is because Adam Sandler isn’t in it. I’m not saying that Sandler can’t handle dramatic roles. I’m just saying that this movie is neither Grown Ups or Grown Ups 2 and that is a major accomplishment. I would rather have had to choose which one of my children I had to murder with a flamethrower than choose between watching Grown Ups or 2 Grown 2 Ups. I’m pretty sure that if you crack a bible open to the book of Revelation that you could see, plainly listed, next to the horsemen of the apocalypse and the blaring of trumpets, that the Grown Ups franchise is surely a sign of the apocalypse and, a fate worse than disease of famine. I’m serious. One of my children. Blow torch. Fuck Adam Sandler.
2.) Uwe Boll didn’t direct it.
Possibly the only thing worse than Adam Sandler is German writer and director Uwe Boll. In a historical context, the Germans have much to apologize for, and 95% of that is Uwe Boll. Uwe Boll claims to be a visionary in the vein of Kubrick, which is fine, except that all of history disagrees with him. One of his highest rated movies on Rotten Tomatoes scored 4% positive reviews. “But Dan, how bad is that?” You ask, stupidly. Well, the fucking Baha Men scored 75% positive reviews on Amazon, and they’re known for a song where they inquire as to who exactly let a pack of canines out of their place of residence. Conclusion: The only thing worse than Uwe Boll is Uwe Boll directing Grown Ups 3.
3.) Vanilla Ice didn’t appear as himself, rapping, as part of a commercial tie in.
Some things are so bad that they’re great. Other things are so bad that they’re Vanilla Ice appearing as himself, rapping, as part of a commercial tie in.
4.) The movie didn’t have two hours of discussion about galactic trade routes.
This is kind of a moot point. In a way it’s kind of me deciding between shit sandwiches. In the end I can’t help but notice that despite coming to a conclusion to which is better, I’m still shoveling shit into my mouth. Okay, here we go.
The Phantom Menace is hands down the worst Star Wars movie of all time. What’s worse, is that besides the podracing, revelations about the force, and FUCKING JAR JAR BINKS, is that for some reason, in the third act, we sit in a galactic senate meeting for the entire duration of the film Boyhood, as a bunch of ugly monsters talk about galactic trade routes. Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey is horrible. It is an irredeemable assault on my humanity and sense of self. That being said, it contained no such discussion of galactic trade routes and therefore gets SEVEN MILLION FUCKING GOLD STARS.
5.) There are no superheroes, vampires, CGI explosions, or any others masters which is serves.
This is probably my only real point and it’s that this film is not some huge concept, extra-human, event where San Francisco gets destroyed in an inter-connected universe originally written for fourteen year-olds. In fact, Fifty Shades of Grey has absolutely no audience in mind but itself. This is a film about two people, pretty much in a room, and even though they don’t accomplish anything, or even talk, really, they still manage to exist on screen for two hours without any over-produced, bullshit Hollywood stuff happening on account of seventeen re-writes and nine billion executive board meetings. The movie is boring as fuck, yeah, but it’s not so exciting that it’s boring as fuck. It’s just boring as fuck; and that’s so refreshing.
The lesson here is simple. This movie is bad. That being said, this movie could be worse. I’m talking Kevin Smith bad. So, when you hear folks trashing this movie, feel free to use any of the above points. Life is precious, we all made the mistake of seeing this terrible movie. Maybe the only lesson that we can take from it is that it could have been worse. Maybe…