Satire

F*ckability Status of House of Cards Characters

Oscar Wilde famously said or wrote or whatever that “everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Since House of Cards is seemingly about power, it must actually be about sex. So let’s talk about sex. Specifically, let’s talk about the House of Cards characters I’d bang.

I’m specifically talking about the characters, not the actors. This is about whether or not I’d fuck the character in the universe of House of Cards. That being said, the fact that the character is played by the actor is a reality we will take into consideration.

I’m twenty-eight and I’ve only slept with one woman. I mean we’ve done it more than once, you asshole.  I’m just saying I’ve never been around the block. I’m not necessarily an “expert” on this topic but I do watch a lot of porn. In fact I’m probably watching porn as you’re reading this post. So there you go.

Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood.

I’m heterosexual so I can’t weigh in on the guys of this show, but I am attracted to Frank Underwood. No, I would never want to have any sort of sexual encounter with Frank Underwood. I just wish I were a little more like Frank Underwood.

Frank Romano is too nice and too much of a pushover. Frank Underwood gets shit done and doesn’t let anyone stand in his way. He’s not afraid of confrontation. He’ll be cordial and polite for as long as you’re needed because his only goal is to use you. The moment you’ve lost your value, he doesn’t hesitate to tear you down with sharp and terrifying ferocity. In the same situation, Frank Romano would just roll over on to his back and wait for you to soothingly caress his belly as he made loving doe eyes at you.

Frank Underwood allowed you think you were both in a mutually beneficial relationship, but you were only ever his pawn. That makes Frank Underwood sexy. Frank Romano just wants your approval. Do you like Frank Romano, yet? Hello?

Robin Wright as Claire Underwood.

Here’s the thing, Robin Wright has this neck hole. I can’t deal with the neck-hole, alright? It freaks me out. She’s got to get that thing figured out or there’s nothing else to discuss.

Robin Wright was seriously hot in Forrest Gump. We’re going to take the actor that plays the character into consideration just this once to make this very important point: Things were working out for her then. Now, she’s got a giant hole in her neck that looks like a spoon indent on a heap of mashed potatoes, like she’s trying to smuggle gravy into the white house.

I honestly couldn’t tell you if Robin Wright still looks good for her age because I have yet to take my eyes off that neck-hole. If she covered up the neck-hole I’d probably be down to fuck. But make no mistake, it’d be a hate-fuck one-hundred percent.

Claire is so cold and stiff that I kind of just want to break her. The scene in Season 3 when she tries to get Frank to slap her around that take her hard on the bed… I dunno, that was pretty hot. That’s really what Claire needs. She needs a good hate-fuck to pump all the bitchiness out of her system. I’m up for it and I can promise, at least, fifteen seconds.

Molly Parker as Jackie Sharp (Seasons 2-3)

I love me some Jackie Sharp. I completely sympathize with poor Remy—who lost Jackie in Season 2. Jackie is something else… It’s weird because she’s not really my type. Her face isn’t young, her cheeks have a shit-ton of freckles, but her mouth spews a heavenly voice, and I, like any prisoner of a siren, am left dazzled and under her spell.

That means, and I’ve come to terms with this, that I want to be used by Jackie Sharp. I wouldn’t be, but if I looked anything like Remy, maybe she’d give me a chance. Jackie is cold but not in the way that Claire is cold. You can see Jackie putting on the cold front. She enjoys the act. She’d kick you out before breakfast because she thinks its fun to pretend to be a bitch. But she isn’t a bitch, and that’s what’s most attractive about her. The cold-hearted demeanor is just a thick shell. Inside she’s a real softy. You know, like a jawbreaker, and like a jawbreaker, Jackie Sharp leaves me, hard.

Rachel Brosnahan as Rachel Posner

Assuming I don’t know about crazy Doug Stamper (and I probably wouldn’t if I lived in the fictional HoC universe), then sure, I’d bang Rachel. Why not? She’s got a great rack and a cute, dark face. She’s a bit of a brooder but she’s making it work for her. That being said, she was a hooker. So I guess the real question is, have I ever banged a hooker? Wait. Would! I meant to say “Would I ever bang a hooker?” I have. Wait! I mean that I mean to say that I did. No. I mean, Jesus. Uh, next topic.

If I’m being honest, the answer is probably yes. Yes, I did bang a hooker – I mean would. But I’m going to take the high road and say no. It’s probably not a great idea to bang a hooker. Although Rachel does seem like a pretty upstanding girl, she probably washes herself plenty and makes her clients use protection. So I don’t know, I guess I’m on the fence with this one. Obviously this would need to be pre-Season 3 finale. I’m into necrophilia. I mean, I’m not! Whoops. Jesus. Hookers. Haha.

Constance Zimmer as Janine Skorsky (Seasons 1-2)

I don’t know if you remember Janine, but she was the “legit” reporter alongside Zoe Barnes. She was essentially cast as the uglier, less interesting Zoe. Zoe & Janine start out as adversaries but sort of become fast friends at the end of Season 1 (or beginning of Season 2, I can’t remember). Janine becomes involved in Zoe’s investigation and bails after Zoe’s death.

Sure, put Janine next to Zoe and she looks like a dying horse. But take a look at Janine on her own and there’s something going on there. There’s something going on that is magical. Janine on her own looks like a living horse.

She might be one of the hottest horse in the House of Cards universe. Sure, she’s kind of got a bitch-face most of the time, but most horses do! Everyone around her was a liar and she was dealing with a better-looking reporter who slept her way to the top, and she was a horse! I’d be pissed too. When everyone in the show was fighting over Zoe Barnes, Season 1 would have been the perfect opportunity to sweep Janine off her hooves – I mean, feet. When she doesn’t have bitch-face, she’s got a nice smile and I dig the mole on her right cheek.

So there it is.

I don’t know where I was going with this, but now you know where I stand sexually regarding House of Cards characters. I didn’t address Kristen Connolly as Christina Gallagher because that’s way too obvious. Of course she’s fuckable, she’s almost as obvious as Kate Mara / Zoe Barnes. Having compiled this list I’m a little disappointed there aren’t any more females in this show. The universe of House of Cards is more of man’s world; which is likely an accurate reflection of the real-life Washington. Maybe that would change if men stopped objectifying women. There’s more to a woman than her sex appeal. People disgust me.

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