Opinions

Ant-Man Still Looks Like Garbage in This Latest Trailer

If you told me eight years ago and that the Fast & Furious franchise would be one of my all-time favorite film series’, I probably would have asked you how in God’s name you were able to acquire the gift of foresight and why the hell would you waste it on telling me which movies I’m going to like in the future? Give me a lottery number you asshole. But most of all, why would I be into a bunch of B-grade race car flicks? Superheroes are what’s happening right now, man. Have you seen the trailer for The Dark Knight?! And Marvel’s making Iron Man dude! The suit looks perfect! Just like the comics! *pushes up glasses with index finger*

What my twenty-o-seven self wouldn’t realize is how much I would eventually bore of comic book movies and how much I would come to love Toretto’a family of misfit thieves and all their wacky escapades. Unlike recent super hero flicks, which have been recycling the same formula film after film, the Fast & Furious franchise continues to re-invent itself. Hopping between genres, the series isn’t afraid to tell a coming of age story, a cop drama, a caper or a spy extravaganza. Each film is an entirely different animal.

The real reason we’re here is to discuss the Ant-Man trailer, but I think a comparison to the F&F saga is apt. The Fast & Furious series knows exactly what it is: big, stupid action movies consisting of driving cars and blowing shit up. Each film’s trailer and poster wink at you with a knowing smirk. Dan & I hypothesize that most audiences probably don’t understand this layer of self-mockery. But the F&F films work regardless. Because even though the filmmakers know their movie is utterly ridiculous, they pour everything they have into them—so they’re well-crafted, eye-popping and loads of fun.

On the other hand we have the Marvel Cinematic Universe (excluding The Avengers films. Joss is a genius)These films are largely even sillier than Fast Five‘s vault stunt, but they pretend they’re not. They’re nothing more than joke machines and action vehicles. They adhere so religiously to the action/comedy model that they never allow the audience to think or feel anything. F&F might be Hallmark-y in it’s family-focused mantra, but at least it has the balls to go there.

Marvel movies are like third-graders terrified of cooties. Any hint of romance or relationships and they have to toss in a forced joke to ease the awkwardness. Whenever a Marvel film tackles anything remotely “serious” in tone, it’s always boiled down to broad-strokes “world is about to end” conflict. And the dialogue is horribly stiff and cheesy. Don’t get me wrong, F&F films also have cheesy dialogue. But when The Rock says “Daddy’s gotta go to work” and flexes his arm to rip off his cast; he KNOWS it’s cheesy—and plays it up accordingly.

So now we’ve got this new Ant-Man trailer. According to the internet, the above trailer is a vast improvement over the original teaser. Why? I don’t know, probably because this trailer looks like every other Marvel movie. It’s got serious music, lots of wannabe-Whedon humor, and loads of cartoonish CGI action.

“If you give god-like powers to everyone, it’s going to be chaos.” —Michael Douglas

Evangeline Lilly in Ant-Man

“How do we stop him?” —Evangeline Lilly, holding back a fart.

I was a little surprised at how incredibly awkward this trailer is. The tone is pure cheese because it takes itself so seriously. Sure, there are bits of the trademark Marvel sarcasm sprinkled around, but for the most part it’s just generic movie lines made worse by Evangeline’s onscreen battle with constipation. When your lines are akin to “we have to stop the villain” and “I know a guy,” you’re delving into self-parody. I think the filmmakers  know this (they have to, right?), but the results aren’t funny, they’re just uninspired & been-there/done-that lame..

Ant-Man suit

“Now, the suit has power. You have to learn to control it.” —Evangeline Lilly

Who are these screenwriters? That’s like me telling someone that “this banana is really nutritious, but you have to eat it.” The banana I’m referring to is obviously my cock, which I’m presenting hypothetically to the screenwriters of this film. This trailer tells us absolutely nothing beyond the most obvious plot elements of the film: Man wear suit. Man shrink small. Man learn suit. Man want girl. Man no trust yellow suit. Man is Ant-Man. 2015. Fuck you. Derp.

Corey Stoll in Ant-Man

“Did you think you could stop the future?” —Corey Stoll as a CGI Yellowjacket

At least when Vin Diesel and The Rock have an action sequence it’s two huge dudes beating the shit of each other. They’re never CG and they also have the decency not to ask each other stupid questions about stopping the future or controlling suits or any other equally homosexual nonsense.

Long story short, this trailer isn’t anything special. In fact, it’s actually worse than a lot of Marvel trailers, even though the elements are the same..

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